Is this what they call love?
by ItsukaNoe
Summary: Hijikata and Gintoki had been meeting in secret. There wasn't any feeling involved, there shouldn't be any, except for lust and pleasure. Well, that was what both of them thought anyway. What if Gintoki was still haunted by his past, afraid of losing his beloved? What if Hijikata wasn't only using him to forget Mitsuba? HijiGin. M rated for sexual content and colourful words.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Moshi moshi! This is my first fanfiction cause instead of reading I though writing would be interesting too. English is not my mother of tongue so expect some mistake from me. Characters not mine, Gorilla Sorachi owns them.

Un-_beta_ed.

Here we go!

CHAPTER 1

* * *

The sun was shining brightly, rays of sunlight hurting his eyes. Birds chirping happily as if mocking his sadist life along with crickets crying as if moaning in a heated sex... And his ass hurts like hell. Damn that Hijikata! Can't he have more self restrain? Didn't he learn an asshole is a place for something to go out, not in and out? Why did he had to be so rough?! Have some self-control, Mayora freak!

Gintoki grimaced at the feeling of Hijikata's cum dripping to his thighs. That's the second reason why he hated aftermath of sex. No, he liked to fuck but not being fucked. He was a virgin, only for his back of course. Well, that didn't last long until Hijikata rammed his cock into his hole senselessly.

Surely he had made women writhing beneath him with pleasure before but he never had thought in his whole life that he'd turned into a moaning monster just by that mayonnaise lover touching him.

Maybe this is what they call love? No, definitely not. No feelings were involved in their routine. They met, have sex for hours and then Hijikata would be the first one to leave since he had a reputation to be taken care of.

And he? Whatever pride he had left.

The kids at home constantly asking where he had been in his absent but they soon grow numb with his disappearing habit, knowing the perm-haired was most likely fooling around somewhere. What they did not know was he was the catcher and Hijikata was the pitcher.

No one knew about their secret rendezvous. He didn't really give a damn but Hijikata kept insisting on keeping it a secret and threaten him with a seppuku.

Maybe it's because of Sougo. If that sadist brat knew the man his beloved sister was fooling around with another man, without a doubt they'll be killed, tragically. Hijikata may not look like it but Gintoki knew deep down inside, the vice-commander still couldn't get Mitsuba out of his mind.

Gintoki couldn't remember when was their first session had begun but he had a memory of being drunk and need a release of his pent-up frustrations. Hijikata himself was too drunk at the point of not remembering any faces. He even hugged a Colonel Sanders statue for mistaking him as Kondou. Then, it must be it. He was trying to forget.

He knew Hijikata was using him to forget his dead love. But it was a fair trade since he too was using Hijikata to get laid. Indeed he felt guilty towards Mitsuba but whom could she blame?

So why…? Why was his heart aching so much?

The way his fingers dancing on his burning skin and how he whispered soothing words to his ears until pleasure took over his pain. And then Hijikata tongue would poke through his swollen lips, asking for permission to deepening the kiss. It made his body relaxed and a tingly feeling creped under his skin, seeking for more. And-

Uh-oh! NO! He can't get hard just by imagining things. Hijikata's sex drive was hurting his ass so enough sex for now. What was he? A teenage boy who finally reached his puberty?

'_You're in a fucking 20s, get a grip!_'

Ruffling softly the lock of his silver hair, he woke up, ready for a bath. He couldn't let Hijikata's leftover inside. It's disgusting. And disturbing…

'_Ugh, what a pain in the ass.'_

Next time, he'll make sure Hijikata wore a condom. A strawberry flavour that is!

On the second thought maybe not. He should stop this. No, they should stop this. He couldn't take it anymore. He had enough seeking fake love.

"It hurts. Both my ass and my heart." Gintoki clutched his chest, hugging away the alien feeling.

_'I hope you trip somewhere and die, Oogushi-kun.'_

* * *

"Hey, Gin-san…" Shinpachi had an annoyed look on his face. His eyes were twitching and a red angry vein comically decorated his head.

"Hmm…?" The silver-haired man laze on the couch, idly turning the page of his Jump and once in a while mumbling something about the content of his favourite book.

Shinpachi finally snapped. He had enough dealing with this stubborn old man. Even Kagura wasn't as troublesome as he was, for now.

"Don't just fucking 'Hmm' me! You've been doing nothing but lying down and reading Jump all day since you came back last week. Did something happened?" he asked with a worried sigh. _Ah, what a sharp kid. Am I that east to be read?_

"Isn't that he always do? Kagura silently commented although his eyes didn't leave the tv screen, focusing on her favourite show on air. That saved him from some trouble.

'Now, to get him out of this house…'

"Gin-san, don't you have any friends? Try ask Hasegawa-san for a drink or go find someone to make friends with, can you?

"Look here, Patsuan… Gin-san is trying reaalllyy hard to make out with Mr. Couch here so go away and don't bother us, okay?"

"What's with the half-assed sense of reasoning, you Madao! Seriously, go get a life."

"Let him be glasses. Maybe this is what they call the menopause stage." The china-girl remarked with a piece of pickled seaweed in her mouth.

"Kagura-chan, men don't have menopause. Normally." Shinpachi comically sweated.

"Anyway Gin-san, please go outside and take some fresh air. We don't want you bedridden like a dying old man again, aren't we?"

"Who are you calling a dying old man?! My hair may be silver but I'm a boy at heart!" He had been repeating the same words to the same person but none of them understand.

"Yeah, right. Says someone who has crazy libido. Go and find someone to get laid. It's bad for you body if you let it accumulate. Don't forget to have a protected one. I don't want random women come here and dump a baby on us." Both swore Kagura sounded like mother meddling in her son's sex life.

"W-Where did you learn those kind of things?! Don't tell me…" Shinpachi gave Gintoki a suspicious look.

"Gin-san, don't teach Kagura-chan those kind of things! She's not a girl of that age yet, you pervert!"

"Wait, why are you suspecting me?! She was the one who asked me. Gin-san just answered her like all responsible adults should." Exasperated the older man.

"Moreover girls these days should know this kind of things. Don't be so innocent, Shinpachi-kun." Gintoki deadpanned nonchalantly.

"Responsible adult, my ass! Pay our salary, you useless leader! And get the hell out of here before I kick you out!"

"How dare you chase Gin-san out of his own house, you simpleton glasses! Go and drown yourself! Don't forget to bring your glasses along!"

"Say that when you pay your rent properly! And what problem do you have with my glasses."

Gintoki didn't want to go out. The possibility of meeting the ravenette was high enough that made him afraid of going outside. Hijikata was probably angry since he changed his contact number and cut every connection they had without notice. Gintoki was pretty sure that the bastard wouldn't have the balls to show himself here so he was safe. Until these damn brats threw him out.

"Gin-chan, while you're at it buy me sukonbu."

"Bargain Dash for me please."

"You brats… How dare you guys treat an elder like this! I'll remember this!" he sobbed jokingly.

"Yeah, yeah. Aren't you a boy at heart?" Shinpachi replied monotonely, feeling a bit proud of himself over his victory on getting Gintoki out of the house.

With heavy footsteps, the leader of jack-of-all-trades finally went out while his mouth sprouting incoherent things.

Of course Shinpachi did it on purpose. They had heard from Katsura on the other day- No. More like he asked the other man about Gintoki since they knew so little about him. Today; 10th of October was Gintoki's birthday. He, Kagura and some other friends had planned to throw him a surprise party.

But he never had thought that the perm-idiot would forget his own birthday. Or maybe he pretended that he forgets. The party was also to cheer him up, since he was kinda down, according to Kagura. He too had realised it. But there was nothing he could do if that man wouldn't tell him anything.

It was always like this. He would always keep it to himself but when it comes to his friends in trouble, Gintoki would be the first one to help.

But still… Living like that, isn't it sad? It was as if he was afraid of losing. As if he had enough goodbyes in his life.

**Review so I can know my mistake and so that I know there's someone wanna read this story.**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry for the late update everyone~ My brain died in the process *sobs. I have no idea what I've been writing, sorry guys T.T...

A lot of thanks and love to SakuraVocal and Rylolli for reviewing!

As usual, characters are not mine. If they did, there'll be a lot of HijiGin in there.

Un-_beta_ed

xoxoxoChapter 2xoxoxo

Hijikata wasn't in a mood for anything. He was too tired even to sleep. Lately, the amounts of terrorists lurking around were unsurprisingly increasing. He ambushed them, interrogate them and then all left for him was a death mountain of paperwork. As a vice-commander, he sure had a lot of work judging by their gorilla leader's ability to do something that needed his brain to work.

Not to mention Sougo's mission to assassinate him to take over his position had become more ferocious though it wasn't a new thing to him. And the main reason for his bloody mood swings; Sakata Gintoki. He hadn't seen the yorozuya since last week. Did he do something wrong? Is the yorozuya sulking?

_Come on, he's not a freaking girl._

Luckily it was his day off. AT LAST. Putting out the flame of his finished cigarette and lighten a new one, Hijikata took a deep breath before exhaling the poisonous gas.

Somehow, the taste of Gintoki's mouth still lingered in his; the sweet and sour flavour of strawberry milk. For a man in his twenties, he sure has a scary obsession on sweet things.

The demon vice-commander closed his eyes and out of blue Gintoki's face appeared before him. How his face would flush and contorted when his fingers touched his milky skin, how the man would bit his lips, trying to keep his voice in and once in a while he would let a moan unconsciously… Then they would kiss, savouring each other's taste and his body would arc inhumanly ince he hit the spot right on.

CRAP.

Did he got hard just from imagining that perm bastard? Aah, he won't be able to have a normal sex any longer. What should he do? A cold bath or jacking off using that man's face? The second option wasn't so bad but that would make him a pervert, right…?

BAMM!

Hijikata banged his head continuously on the hard wall in the attempt to get all the blood out of his groin. Poor Yamazaki had a great sense of timing slide the door away but left utterly shocked seeing the usual cool and composed demon bathing in his own blood.

'V-Vice-commander?!"

"Hmm, what's up Zaki?" Sougo who was just passing by attracted by the commotion caused by the Anpan lover decided to take a peek.

"Hijikata-san, did you finally realized that your death would mean so much to me so you decided to kill yourself?"

"Shut up, Sougo. Zaki, throw that imbecile away."

"How mean, Hijikata-san. I was just concerned about you."

"Concerned my ass! How does wanting to see my dead body counted as being concerned about me?! Get the hell away! Scram off!"

Hijikata didn't want them to see him in this state a.k.a his erection. Apart from his boxer, his thin yukata won't be enough to cover up the bulge between his thighs.

Oh, shit. Sougo had been staring at him. Crap, not Yamazaki too!

"Hijikata-san, 'that' won't go limp if you did it like that. Didn't someone teach you how to jerk it?" The prince of sadist finally said it out aloud with his usual monotone voice.

"WAAAAAA! Shut up, Sougo!"

Yeah, that's definitely it. The sadist brat was without a doubt teasing him. That evil grin on his face… Hijikata's face was tomato red while Yamazaki had this I-don't-want-to-get-involved look on his plain face.

"Heh… You must've been imagining someone that got you hard. Tch, pervert." A comical arrow stabbed his crotch painfully. Thanks to Sougo, it did withered down.

"Anyway, go and find someone to deal with it. I'm outta here." With bored eyes, the sadist turned away to leave but not without delivering Hijikata a message he received from the China girl.

"Are you going to the Yorozuya's today?"

"Huh? What? Why?" he stuttered at the mention of the yorozuya.

"Didn't you know? Today is Danna's birthday so the yorozuya brats are throwing him a party."

Should he go? He could take the golden opportunity to meet him, right? Wait, why did he want to see him that bad? Did a love cupid finally hit him with an arrow?

No, that shouldn't be it. He couldn't and wouldn't fall in love again. If he did, it felt like he had betrayed Mitsuba. He couldn't just simply forget her and went on with someone, especially a man.

A man.

He was the feared by all demon vice-commander. What would other people say? Screw other people, what would the Shinsengumi, Kondou-san and even Sougo react to this situation? Besides, when did he start having feelings for him?

Hijikata seemed to be lost in his thoughts when Sougo finally snapped him out of it.

"I'll think about it" he answered simply.

Finally had Sougo to leave him alone. He was a pain in the ass. A brat. Mitsuba's little brother. He must've hated him so much. Duh, he had lost count of all Sougo's attempt to assassinate him.

Hijikata laid on his back, stretching any knots that had been aching him. Staring at the plain ceiling, his emptied mouth experimentally called that name.

_Gintoki…_

That name felt right in his mouth. The man was mysterious and he knew so little about him that it's pitiful. His typical dead-fish eyes and lazy expression annoyed him but once they're on a bed, Gintoki would make interesting and sexy faces. He loved them all.

He… loved him?

Initially he did use Gintoki to forget the woman he loved. But somehow, like a charm, he couldn't help himself to seek comfort and longing for the possessor of the unusual silver and perm hair. The yorozuya always blamed his natural perm hair but little did he knew, the natural perm was his charm. Whenever Gintoki fell asleep after using too much energy, he would rake him hand into the silver perm. Unexpectedly, it felt soft and bouncy. He would stare at his sleeping face, saving the image deep into his mind before leaving.

Yet, they had never talk. Once sex was over, he would be the first one to leave.

Well, what did you think? He was just using Gintoki so did he had the right to cuddle with him like lovers always do?

He wanted to love that person more than he already did but he couldn't. He couldn't risk the one he truly care about got hurt because of him. His work was enough to proof his dangerous lifestyle. That was the reason he refused Mitsuba's feeling towards him. Of course Gintoki was no girl, he can fight to protect himself and even to defend others but still, he was scared.

Scared of loosing his beloved and scared that his beloved would suffer once he's gone.

_It was like a curse. _

Hijikata snorted at that word. Curse, huh? Serves him right.

Sighing for the umpteenth time, the raven equipped himself for a walk. Even though it was his day off, he couldn't resist his leg that made him walk around without any purpose around the town of Kabuki-chou.

He had made it a habit. A freaky one that is.

"Ah, vice-commander! Are you going out?" Yamazaki reappeared from who know where with a badminton racquet in his hand.

"Yeah. Yamazaki, get rid of that racquet and do your report before I shoved that stick right into your intestine."

The badminton lover squeaked like a little and hopeless animal at the threat. He definitely didn't want anything into his ass.

"Y-Yessir!"

_To Be Continue..._

**Review so I can know my mistakes and improve this story :D**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Heyya everyone! Sorry for the late update. I had a dead brain and a lazy ass. I tried to make the character less OOC and tried to correct my mistakes and use more interesting words but I failed you guys! I'm sooooryyyyy! TT^TT

Anyway, this chapter contained a bit M-rated (Pfft, what's an M-rated fic without an M-rated scene?). Just a bit but hey, there'll be a lot more if you guys keep supporting me till the end!

Characters might be a little bit (depends on how you view it) OOC.

Charas not mine, story not mine. You all should be aware of that.

Another sigh escaped Gintoki's lips. You know when people said that if you were sighing too much your happiness would run away? Don't listen to them, they're idiots. Wasn't it like all the way around? People sighed because their happiness had run off. Maybe they eloped or something. Digging the only gold he had using his pinkie finger, he let his leg took him wherever it went; or more like he wondered around aimlessly. He never knew being so bored could drive you insane. It's like when you have no choice to to laze around, you felt like you wanted to do something more than that.

What should he do? Money… Don't even bother to check his wallet. They were as empty as Kagura's stomach. No matter how much he stuffed them in, they'll be gone without him noticing. It was like an endless pit; a black hole.

Or maybe he should ask Hasegawa-san for-

Never mind. That madao is even penniless than he is. You could even see mushroom sprouted from his pocket after being left unused for a long time.

_Ah~ So bored I could die._

* * *

Hijikata was sitting on the bench stuffing his mouth with mayonnaise-drenched dango when he noticed a floating silver fur in the midst of crowds. His silver perm idiot detector immediately kicked in. Somehow, against his own will, his heart fluttered and his face felt warm but anger and annoyance took over.

After 3 fucking weeks, he finally saw him. And what was the first thing he saw the silver bastard did; picking his nose. Get a hobby, sugar-freak!

The dango shop lady beside him backed away when she sensed a murderous atmosphere from the vice-commander. From far, his eyes pinned onto Gintoki; refuse to let the silver rabbit disappear from his sight. Fast on his reflexes, Hijikata chased after Gintoki who then came to realize his presence.

* * *

Gintoki shuddered.

_W-What… What the hell was that?_

Gintoki felt as if someone was jinxing him or rather he felt as if someone planted an eye in him.

...!

_Guh! The last person I want my eyes to see!_

Gintoki finally hot on his steps after he caught the sight of Hijikata dashing to his direction with such a speed that could surpass Usain Bolt.

"Why are you running away, Yorozuya bastard!"

"Huh?! Even a gorilla would run away if he's chased by someone with that kind of face!"

"What's wrong with my face?! And stop running!"

"I CAN'T!"

"WHY NOT?!"

"CAUSE YOUR FACE IS TOO SCARY! STOP IT! DON'T FACE THIS WAY! SHOW YOUR FACE SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

"HHUHHH?!"

"SMILE AND I'LL STOOOPPP!"

"WHAT THE FUCK! LIKE HELL I WILL!"

"THEN I CAN'T STOP!" Comical tears flooded out from the crimson eyes and the chase went on until both parties exhausted from the pointless cat and dog game. Bending their bodies and used their knees as supports, they tried to start a conversation but only gasps and pants came out instead of words.

'Shouting while chasing/ being chased by an idiot sure is tiring' both thought mentally as they no longer had the energy to start another verbal war.

Finally had themselves collected, Hijikata was the first one to speak since Gintoki had been doing nothing but admiring the dirty ground.

"Why did you change your contact number?"

Ooookeeyyy, that's a first. Why did Hijikata sounded like an angry boyfriend?

"You sure you wanted me to answer that?" Gintoki said smugly, trying to mask his wavering voice as best as he could. However, the demon had a sharp sense; he knew there was a missing tone in his voice.

"Do you… hate it?"_ I like you, Hijikata. I love you too much it hurts. And I like sex too of course._

Hijikata seeing no point of asking since Gintoki wouldn't even budge his mouth to answer tried to relax his nerve with his cancer stick.

"Guess you did use me as a fuck buddies after all, huh."

"I thought there was nothing between us other than sex. And I'm the victim here, not you so don't sound so pitiful."

"You're the victim? Aren't you were the one shoved his ass onto my face."

"Listen here brat, when a man shoved his ass on your face, kick it, not fuck it. That's what normal people would do," said the perm in a monotone voice, flicking his nose shit to Hijikata.

Hijikata growled irritably. This bastard seriously pissing him off on purpose. "HUH?! Don't play all innocent! I was drunk and you took advantage of my state. I was raped there, pervert!"

"You're the one at fault here. You should have more self-restrain, Mayora bastard!"

"Don't put blame on other people when you were the one at fault. And it's not like you hate it. You were the one who goes 'Ahh~' and 'Nya~' every time I put it in!"

"At least it wasn't your ass being fucked up!"

Both finally became aware of their situation as civilian stared at them with crimson face. A mother with flushing red face was protecting her child's eardrum from all the dirty talk sprouted. Bowing their brainless head to apologize, they headed to a place with more private.

"I'm never showing my face outside again. I'm going to become a NEET" Gintoki whispered to himself with his head in his hands.

"I can't go on a patrol with a straight face again. I'll die of embarrassment." Wait till Sougo heard this and my life be over.

There was a pregnant silent. Hijikata couldn't take the insanely quiet situation especially when he's with a big mouth idiot.

"Are you angry?" I'm not. I just can't let you break my heart more than you already did.

"What am I? A school girl?" Gintoki said jokingly. His throat hurts from choking down the urge to bawl.

_'You don't sound convincing at all, bastard… Should I say it? Should I confess now?'_

"Ne, Oogushi-kun. I think we should stop playing around."

_Huh? What?_

"I'm saying that I'm tired of this. We should stop seeing each other. And you… You should find a decent woman soon."

_'So that's how it is…'_

"So this is how you play your game huh? You use them until you're sick of it, then you threw them away. What a whore." _Aren't you're the one who's been playing with me, Hijikata?_

"Then let me play with you for the last time." Hijikata was losing his rationalities. He couldn't even make out what he said to Gintoki that made his face twisted painfully. His anger overwhelmed his sensibilities.

Gintoki felt as if his dignity was placed on a public toilet bowl. A whore. So that's how Hijikata see him as now.

"I'm not a whore."

"Heh, I see no difference." Trying to regain his freshly shattered pride, Gintoki grabbed the hem of Hijikata's yukata a frown stuck on his forehead.

_'Why do you looked so hurt when you were only using me, dammit!'_ both questioned in their mind.

Swallowing his thick saliva, Gintoki let out a smile. The fakest smile he had. "I guess that wouldn't hurt, for the last time that is."

* * *

"Ah! H-Hijikata, slow down!"

A loud moan echoed in the motel room. They knew their voice might reach other company in the motel judging by the thin walls but both men cared no more. Other people might think they were having a passionate and full-of-love sex but no. They're not. This was going to be the last time after all. They might as well savour each other's body properly.

_Hijikata… I love you. I'm sorry. I love you…_

He couldn't look at Hijkata's face. Even though it's sexy and all, he felt his tear glands might grew weak and he was afraid he might cry in front of him.

"Hey, relaxed a bit. It hurts to move."

"Well, you can at least prepare me even if this is going to be the last time." Gintoki muttered between moans and words. Only the sound of flesh hitting each other with each thrust could be heard other than their cry of pleasure. Hijikata kept thrusting deep, causing Gintoki's back to arc, allowing him to excess more easily.

"Ah, Hijikata! Can't-! C-Cumming…"

"Guh…"

Both men reached their climax at the same time. Hijikata let his body fell tiredly beside the immobile Gintoki, still basking in their earlier orgasm.

Few minutes had passed. Hijikata had been quiet. Well, that's expected but he didn't expected the mayora would stay. Turning to his side, a sleeping face of Oogushi-kun amused him. He chuckled a bit but tears flow smoothly down to his check, staining the sheets.

_Hurts_

_Unbearably painful_

Drying of his tear stained face, Gintoki cleaned himself, ready to leave before he could face Hijikata again. Saving the image of the raven's face in his mind for the last time, he muttered a silent good bye to the still sleeping figure.

**Review so I can know my mistakes and so that I know there's someone still wanted to read my fic. You guys will help me a LOT.**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Aww, 12 reviews! Thanks guys I know I'm not updating according to the schedule but I'm still trying my best to please you guys. I tried to make it a little bit longer but my brain dried off so I need some time to think.

Enjoy it while you can!

CHAPTER 4

* * *

Hijikata's hand fell flatly on the empty side of the king-sized bed, feeling rather cold and lonely. He couldn't make out what made him felt so… unfilled? Maybe it was his head or maybe it was his heart. A loud grumble from his belly completed his conclusion.

'Nah, it's the stomach. Or maybe not. I don't even know myself.' It's pissing him off. That Yorozuya bastard was definitely playing with him like always. Except this wasn't like their usual innocent quarrel

'Aah, I almost confess too!' Hijikata mentally let out an exasperated scream. It was absolutely humiliating, for someone with his kind of pride. Why was he feeling angry on the first place? He's not Gintoki's boyfriend to begin with so why did he acted like one? He has no right to call him a whore, bothering him with that man's sex life. And what's more… he got hard just by hearing those hot moans.

Shaking his head violently, Hijikata tried to refuse the memory of their R-18 scene from penetrating his head. He wanted to forget. He got dump before he got the chance to confess.

You heard that Mitsuba? Are you really cursing me from above?

He should return to the quarters. But first thing first; a bath. He stinks of sex and Gintoki's odour. Sougo won't let this kind of things slip through his hand.

'He's definitely going to make fun of me'

Allowing the shower to hit his face, Hijikata tried to replace Gintoki's image with the warm and relaxing water. However, Gintoki's hurt expression when he called him a whore smacked his brain hard. Guh, it was a futile attempt on getting that face out of his head. Maybe he should cut it off, that'll help.

Or not. Sougo would be dancing in joy around his head.

Again, Gintoki's pained expression somehow made its way into his head. He couldn't help but to wonder; was that sicko really just using him? Ok, it was his bad for calling him a whore but Hijikata knew that wasn't the reason. There was something else Gintoki had been hiding from him. Something he didn't want anyone to know.

GAAHHH! Why is he being so difficult? Even a woman wouldn't-

_You should find a decent woman soon._

And what was that suppose to mean? It felt as if Gintoki was tired. But of what? That bastard did nothing in his life other than lazing around like all madao should. Sex? Meh, that would be in the last list-of-things-Gintoki-would-get-tired-of.

'I'm going bald before I can even reach my 30s thanks to some perm head.'

* * *

Not a single living soul had the balls to make a ruckus that would cost them their lives and after lives. Heh, they got guts if they dare to bother the demon vice-commander when he's on his period.

"Hijikata-san, did you got dump? Are you that bad at sex?"

Great, the last person he wanted to deal with. "Go to hell, Sougo."

"I won't. But you will. Veerryy soon enough." A sadistic smirk plastered on his face. Looks like the brunette had already planned to end his miserable life. Guh, more assassination coming right up.

"I'm not in the mood for it."

'Oh, the demon is angry. Ah, there's a vein on his head. Was it Yorozuya Danna again? Seriously those two idiots…' Sougo watched Hijikata's back dissolved from his sight.

The Commander Gorilla recognised a still figure of the thinking Sougo blocking his path. By the looks of it, the younger man had been thinking thoroughly.

"What's wrong, Sougo?"

"Nuffin. And if you're looking for Hijikata-san, he went to his room just now."

"Oh, thanks, Sougo!"

"Yeah, and send my death regards to him." The sandy-haired boy waved cheerfully as he passed by the confused Kondo, dumbfound by Sougo's sudden joyful behaviour.

"Is he on his period?"

* * *

Kondo couldn't bring his mouth to start a conversation. He could see dark matter emitted from Hijikata's body, no difference from Otae's cooking. "Umm, Toshi…"

"Hng?"

"Sougo told me to tell you that he told me to tell you to-"

"Could you just get in the points?" If you continue, it will be a never-ending sentence.

"'Send him my death regards' is what he said."

"My ass! Why are acting perfectly normal about this? He just told me to die, can't you give out a normal reaction?!"

"Eeh… But I thought that would cheer you up…"

"HAH?! How's that cheering me up?! And why would I need it?" I really can't hide anything from you, can I Kondo-san?

"But Yamazaki told me you look like a woman in her time of month so I though you would need this"

It was a woman sanitary pad.

"YAMAZAKIIIII!"

"WHY MEEEEE?!"

There was a load roar before exploding noises filled up the barracks followed by an unmanly shrieked.

* * *

Hijikata was at his limit. That anpan lover somehow managed to slip through his sight. Just wait until he got his hand on that bastard throat… Deeply inhaling the nicotine stick, he tried to cool off his nerve. He shouldn't let his anger took over his mind.

"Toshi."

"What?"

"You know I'll be there for you no matter what happens, right?" Putting the jokes aside, Kondo had his serious face on. Whenever it comes to his companion, Kondo would use all his might to help them. Their respected leader, in spite of his foolishness.

"Don't worry bout it. I'm fine." Like I can tell you about it.

'Though that was what you've always say.' "Ok but if you need a shoulder to cry on, just call me! I'll be there for you in no time!"

…

"W-What?" Kondo felt uncomfortable by the silent answer from Hijikata.

"I'm sorry Kondo-san. I do respect you but the image of a man in his twenties bawling his eyes out on another man's shoulder is just…" Hijikata decided he shouldn't finish his sentences.

"Bwahahaha! What's wrong with it? I cried all the time!"

"You should seriously stop. The image of Shinsengumi had fallen to hell enough so please stop doing anything stupid. If possible don't do anything."

"Stalking isn't stupid! It's a decent job to protect those who you love!"

"No, I was talking about crying in public. And now you've mentioned it, I should tell you to stop too. Did you just admit stalking is stupid? And what the hell the decentness? You're the one who's needed to be protected from."

'Don't you dare underestimate the job of a stalker!"

"Stalking isn't qualified enough to be called a job! Give up on that mountain gorilla and find a decent woman!" Wait, why did that sound familiar? Where did he hear that before…?

Find a decent woman

That was what Gintoki had told him before. What was he thinking?

'I said that to Kondo-san because I wanted him to give up on that woman that hurt him…'

So did Gintoki felt hurt? So that was the reason for him to want an end for this? So does that means… Gintoki loved him?

'Don't get too full of yourself, dammit!'

"Oi, Toshi?" Hijikata had spaced out for some while, causing the gorilla a worried frown on his face. "I'm sorry, it's nothing."

"Ah, I almost forgot! Are you going to the Yorozuya's later?"

So I can face him after all I've did? Don't think so. "I'm not going."

"Is that so. Well then, I'll eave the Shinsengumi in your hands for tonight."

"Eh?"

"Since Otae-chan's going, of course I'll be there for her- I mean, Sakata-kun and I are friends, aren't we?"

Hijikata could clearly see the intention of the stalker, as clear as a glass.

"Yeah, yeah. Just take care of yourself."

* * *

Gintoki kicked the abandoned can with all his might, resulting the can to get its revenge back by slamming his face. That is why, children, we should not kick anything on the ground in anger, unless if it's a ball.

Shinpachi had called him. First, he kicked him out of his own house and now that otaku had told him to get back A.S.A.P.

If only he hadn't forced me out, it wouldn't be like this. He wouldn't have to meet Hijikata. Partly, he blamed Shinpachi for being the cause of this incident, indirectly, but on the other part, he felt relieved. He finally ended his pain. Perhaps.

"Gin-san is definitely going to give them an earful!" Puffing his check unintentionally, Gintoki stomped his foot as he climbed the stairs to the second floor.

"SHINPACHI-!"

BANG! BANG!

…Eh?

The first thing Gintoki could register in his mind was the banging sound. He thought he had finally found a time machine and transported back to the past where war was still alive but then his eyes caught the sight of colourful decorations and balloons. He didn't recall having balloons as a weapon in a war…

Then a shout of 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAKATA GINTOKI!' really had him surprised.

So this is a war to celebrate a birthday?

"CAN YOU PLEASE GET A CLUE!" Shinpachi played his role as the straight man.

Eh? Birthday? Mine? "I had no idea."

"We thought so. That's why we decided to throw you a surprise party." Kagura hugged the birthday boy at heart from his back with such a force that made Gintoki almost lost his balance, due to Kagura's abnormal strength.

"Sorry I made you angry earlier, Gin-san. If I didn't do that, we couldn't make it a surprise," said the megane apologetically as he placed a party crown on the fluffy locks. Sadaharu gave them an approval bark, licking the silver covered head with it's rough tongue.

The silvernette awkwardly receive his birthday presents and wishes. Usually he would gladly receive anything as long as it's free but now it felt weird, awkward... And embarrassing. Gintoki let the scene of everyone enjoying themselves played in front of him as he silently standing in the shadows. He could feel a lump of pain in his throat. This was the scene he wouldn't ever get in the war. All he could see was blood, carcasses, corpse…

There was the old hag, Catherine, Tama, the two brats with Otae, the bakufu dogs (Kondo and Sougo), Zura and his alien duck, the yoshiwaras…

Pulling Katsura near him, he whispered in an exasperated tone. "What the hell are you doing here, Zura?! Do you want to be caught that bad? Are you an M?!"

"I'm not an M. I'm Zura- I mean I'm Katsura. What? Can't I visit an old friend on his birthday?" Ruffling the silver fluff affectionally, Katsura smiled when Gintoki flinched at his touch.

"Happy Birthday, Gintoki." Katsura chuckled as Gintoki getting flustered by his affectionate act. 'So you still haven't got use of yourself in this kind of warm feeling things huh.'

"Y-Yeah but I won't take any responsibility if you got caught."

"Don't worry bout it, Danna. We made an agreement." Sougo's monotone voice sent shivers to his spine. That bastard isn't here, right?

"Since we owe the Yorozuya, we made an agreement not to make any havoc, just for today." The brunette stated disappointedly. The enemy was right in front of his eyes but yet he couldn't do anything.

"Ehh… And what was that suppose to mean to me?"

"Cause we're friends?"

"Is that so…"

"Oh, yes. Gintoki, Tatsuma send you a present."

"What? Did he came by?"

"No but he told me to deliver this to you on your birthday." It was a mug. With a woman curve and boob prints on it. "For an idiot, it's actually quite a decent gift."

"Gin-san, you're not actually thinking on using that, are you?

"What? Why not? Don't tell me you got hard just by looking at this? Oh my~ What a youth. Gin-san is jealous."

"Hell no! Kagura-chan's still a child! Don't show her something undecent!And what if our customer sees it? Have some delicacy, pervert!"

"Tch, joy killer." Placing the mug back into it's box, Gintoki kept it buried in other presents on the table. Gintoki almost bite his tongue when he saw a box of immediate effect aphrodisiac lube. _'What the hell am I going to do with this...'_

Zura gave him a pack of Unos. Shinpachi and Kagura had specially made him a Gintoki look alike doll while the two Shinsengumi officers offered him a week worth parfait ticket.

'_Quite considerable. For a sadist and a gorilla.'_

"Hey, Zura."

"Hmm?"

"Somehow I felt like the debt got wasted on you. Can I change the deal and get a year worth parfait instead?"

"Do you really want to die on your birthday?"

* * *

From far, Sougo couldn't take his eyes of Gintoki. That man was a mystery. He was always bright. Dangerously bright. And just like a bug, he got drawn by the light even though he knew it would kill him someday. Sougo want to view him as his friend, his equal. His important person.

Why Gintoki would stare blankly, why he was so eager to protect everyone even if it cost him his life, why he wouldn't let anyone protect him; Sougo wanted to know them. It hurts seeing Gintoki got hurt in a place he wasn't there. And also his relationship with the wanted man, the leader of the Joui patriot, Katsura Kotarou.

Don't take him wrong. He didn't view Gintoki as how Hijikata did. You could say he thought Gintoki as a brother figure.

Shiroyasha. That name had been playing in his mind. And somehow, whenever he sees Gintoki, the name would echo in his head.

'If you put it all together... That can't be it, right?'

* * *

Review and you'll get the next chapter. Cause I need to know my mistakes to improve this story. Thanks for reading~


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

* * *

"Where…" Gintoki found himself standing in a sea of crimson blood. The nostalgic metallic smell poked his nasal cavity making his stomach lurched sickly. Bile made its way to his throat, waiting for their time to greet the outside world. It was pitch black, as black as Kondo's **SENSORED**, but the colour of madder red shone in his eyes. Blood, carcasses, red Chinese cloth, corpse…

Red Chinese clothe?

"K-Kagura?!" Gintoki approached the unmoving body of Kagura before bending down, flinching when he felt the ice-cold skin against his. He hated that coldness. It reminded him of the chill of a dead body. He shivered in fear at both the thought of having the Chinese girl dead in his arm and the uncomfortable chilly atmosphere. Screaming and shouting for help, nothing came out for a breathy whine.

"Gin-san…"

"Good, Shinpachi. Just in time-"

Gintoki was pretty sure he was still in Gintama, not a random zombie manga so why did Shinpachi walked like one? Not just Shinpachi, there was Otae, the old granny and some people he had met before. Did they eat something bad? Was it a radioactive squid?

"Gin-chan… Why did you let us die? Didn't you promise to protect us?" Gintoki was thinking too deeply that he didn't realize Kagura was on her feet. What she had said struck him painfully.

_No way. This can't be happening…_

Gintoki ran with all his might, breaking away from cold hands that tried to pull him into the darkness. He ran and ran, frantically looking for an exit.

"G-Gintoki…" _Oh, now what! Is this some kind of romantic drama or something? Stop calling his name for fuck's sake. Maybe he should really change his name to Kintoki, for good._

The ex-Joi carefully turned to his back, only to find Hijikata standing limply with a visible hole on his stomach. No human could be alive after having a hole in their stomach, which means Hijikata was dead. He let the raven's body crashed into his arms as he fell on his knees weakly.

_"You are the same as I am, Gintoki. The only thing we can do is to destroy."_ Takasugi's mocking voice echoed in the dark. There was no sign of the insane samurai but Gintoki couldn't help but to imagine the freakish smile he had always put on.

Wet footsteps vibrated into his eardrum, he dared not to lift his head, afraid of what would be in front of him. But what could he possibly do? His head lifted by reflex but then he wished he didn't. The last thing he registered in his mind was Yoshida Shoyou whispering soundlessly before his world fade to black.

* * *

Gintoki woke up with a violent jerk. His breath ragged painfully and sweat trickled from his forehead.

"Fucking nightmare…"

_'Didn't you ruin my life enough, Takasugi? And now you're haunting me in my dreams too? Wow, such a great friend you are. I'll sign you up for the Best Friend Award as a thanks.'_

He was still sleepy and the night was still young but he didn't want the nightmare to taunt him again. He had enough, even though it was just a dream. Sluggishly, Gintoki sneaked out of his room. Waking Kagura up would be a problem if she saw him in this kind of state. Well, not that she would be awake even if another Tunguska Meteor decided to land on their house. She was dead to the world until morning arrives.

* * *

The night air was humid and cold. Even an idiot wouldn't wear such a thin cloth for a night walk. And that just made him worst than an idiot. He wore his usual yukata without the inner black shirt. Checking his side, a grunt escaped from his mouth along with white mist.

_'Forgot the wooden sword. Meh, it's not like someone would attack me at this kind of time. Even criminals need their sleep.'_

He let his leg took him anywhere, as long as he could distract himself from his nightmare. Feeling his stomach growling begging to be fed, he stopped, just right in front of a convenient store. Digging for some money, he sighed disappointedly. None.

"Danna?" Wow, freaking great. He just bumped into a person worst than a criminal. Trying to keep his usual dead-fish eyes on, he turned to face the sandy haired boy.

"Oh, if it isn't Souchirou-kun."

"It's Sougo," answered the sadist prince nonchalantly before disappearing inside the store. Less than few minutes, he walked out with a plastic beg full of food and drinks before shoving them in front of Gintoki's face.

_'Ah, such a good kid…'_ Gintoki gratefully took them, thanking the younger male as they walked to the nearest bench.

"What are you doing this late?"

"That's my question, Danna."

"Is that so? Too bad I asked first."

"I'm on a patrol."

"Eh, it's surprising you tax robbers actually do your jobs. Did something happen lately?" Munching the bread Sougo had brought him, he enjoyed the peaceful silent without any snide comments thrown at him. However, Gintoki became self-conscious as he felt the brunette's eyes on him.

"What? Is there something on my face?"

"Danna, what are you doing here this late?" As expected from the Shinsengumi's First-Division Captain. Sharp as always but Gintoki didn't have the slightest intention on breaking his mask.

"Just for a night stroll. Couldn't sleep, Kagura's snore evolved into something worst. As loud as a Blue Whale."

"Danna, are you alright?" _Don't._

"You look rather pale." _Don't break my walls I've been putting up._

Sougo noticed the change of air around the older male, although his facial expression never changed. _'Why are you trying so hard to protect your mask, Danna…?'_

"Was she that loud? You should have stuck something in her air hole and let her suffocate to death." Gintoki was glad the sadist decided to change the topic. Whether he did it on purpose or not, he was still grateful.

_'Am I that obvious?'_

Gintoki woke up, his hand ruffling the sandy hair affectionally. "As expected from the prince from planet Sadist but I can't do that. Id I did, I don't know what'll happen to me."

The last sentence came out as a whisper. Barely audible to the others, but not to a sadist with a sharp sense. The first division captain of tax robbers decided he should let it slide for now.

"You should hurry up and go home, Danna. It's getting colder."

"D'Aww, are you worried about me Sofa-kun? Is the world finally coming to an end?"

"I am." Gintoki' eyes widen. Although the answer itself sounded like a joke, the seriousness Sougo showed him proved he was not.

Furiously turning his head, Gintoki tried to search for something unearthly. He looked up to the sky; it seemed to be a pretty normal winter night. There was no unidentified object falling from the sky.

"There won't be anything falling from the sky, you know. That's just plain rude, Danna. And I'm being nice here…"

"Then don't. Don't ever change your character! That would be the sign of apocalypse," said the silvernette with a half-assed tone as he turned away from Sougo's face but in truth, his face was burning red. He hated it when people caught his guard down.

"I do care about you," repeated the brunette.

"HAHA. That's very funny, Okita-kun! Ah, I'm outta here."

"Yeah, you better do." Gintoki clenched and unclenched his fist as he fastened his steps, not even bother to turn his back.

_'I souldn't have come. I should have stay home instead. Can't things get any worst? Damn, I wanna go home and hug Sadaharu.'_

"My, my… Nice meeting you here." _Ah… Damn me and my sexy mouth._

He knew that voice. He knew them too damn well that it's sickening. What did Karma have against him? Was it his perm head?!

"What a coincidence, Shiroyasha-dono…" Takasugi emerged from the shadows of the dark alley, revealing his insane smile and widen eyeballs. Man, did this bastard facial muscle went bad? Can't he make any other reaction other than those stupid grin and big eyeballs?

"Coincidence my ass. Since when you've reduced into a stalker? Does being a terrorist finally bore you?" Putting the best-made mask he had, he tried not to waver.

_Conceal._

_Don't feel._

_Don't let anyone know._

"I couldn't sleep so I thought I could take a walk. You seemed to have something in your mind. Mind to tell?" Takasugi slowly move towards him; only to cause Gintoki took some step away out of impulse. Takasugi grimaced slightly.

"Are you crazy? Who in the right mind would tell their enemy what were they thinking?" _Great, even your enemy knows what were you thinking! Get a grip, Gin-san!_

"!"

Gintoki almost lost his balance when Takasugi slipped a hand on his chin. He knew the outcomes of it and it wasn't something that he wanted.

"Back off!" The freelancer's effort was futile. He was supposed to be stronger than this but now; he couldn't even make his enemy budge.

_Cold…_

Takasugi's nose touched his, unwillingly. He closed his eyes, trying to push away the disgusting feeling in his stomach. No, he wanted to keep the disgusting feeling. He didn't want any pleasure from his former friend.

Friend? Were they really friend in the past? Or was there something more about them? Gintoki couldn't make it out in his mind. His mind was clouded, trying to shut down, trying to protect itself.

"DANNA!" The voice from nowhere startled both men. When Takasugi knowledge the presence of Shinsengumi's First Division Captain, he cursed quietly before disappearing in the night shadow. Gintoki turned to face Sougo's worried expression, it looked so out of character. _'Maybe the world have finally come to an end. Thank Kami for letting me see such an expression on a sadist face.'_

_"You okay, Danna?"_

'Hijikata.' His eyes widen but when the crimson orbs met the metal blue eyes, he averted his gaze.

_ Did they saw that?_

Taking a deep breath, he swallowed the lump in his throat; brushing off the invisible dust from his cloths. Sougo talked over the transmitter, commanding his underling to search for Takasugi's whereabouts.

_'It's impossible though. That bastard is like a dream. No matter how hard you'll try, you wont reach him. How I wish this is a dream so I can make him suck his own dick.'_

Gintoki instinctively jerked away when he felt strong hand grabbed his arm, demanding him to be in his feet rather than the dirty floor. Both Bakufu dogs stared him with shock eyes._ 'Damn it all._'

"Whoops. I guess strolling out this late wasn't such a good idea after all."

"Where are you going?"

"Huh? Home of course. Gin-san wants his beauty sleep since it's already this late." Gintoki deadpanned, trying to sound as disgusting as possible but Hijikata didn't find it funny at all. He saw it. He saw them all. Hatred burn inside him, a single stupidity from anyone around him would trigger his switch. The switch that could send someone to the 7th layer of hell.

"Alone? After you got assaulted like that?" _'How can this man laugh so freely when someone just sexually harassed him in public! Is he even trying to use his brain once in a while?'_

"Aww, come on Oogushi-kun~ I'm not a freaking girl." He had enough for tonight. He just had a year worth Karma for today and Hijikata's being a fucking busybody. He was tired, he doubted sleep could help but at least he got less trouble by staying at home. Congratulations, Gin-san had officially became a NEET.

"Tell that to yourself." Refused to hear any more complaints, he decided to walk away, ignoring the raven with his eyebrows knitted. His body felt numb from the cold and he felt the world went merry-go-round in his blank head but chose not to show any more weakness than he had for today in front of the two tax robbers. He felt exposed, just like a baby's bottom without any diaper.

Hijikata was the first to notice the silvernette's body swaying side to side dangerously. Other people might mistaken him as a drunkard but he knew those movement was more than it. He was a sober to begin with. Hijikata's breath was taken away when he saw the floating white fluff dropped dramatically on the dirty earth.

**"YOROZUYA!"**

* * *

A/N: Opsie, a cliffhanger! [insert evil smirk here]

Want to know what happen next? Review!

_P/S: I know I'm slow but recently I got a bit busy so my schedule is a bit…. You know! So please be patient with me, and about mistakes in this story, I apologize for it. I told you English is not my first language. I'm Sorry _


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